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"Forty
Years and counting, the curse on me. Believe it or not I was raised in
a "normal home" well at least as normal as normal goes. Then I got married.
Now we all know marriage has its ups and downs, but I married a man from
hell. It would have been my fault if he had not been so sneaky. If I had
known his plan I would have left. But you see there are people (men and
women) whos only thrill is to destroy someone. he started out by undermining
my self confidence, I didn't realizise this, as he was sly. I just
started geting more and more insecure. Now we are talking back in the 60s,
when knowledge of the mind wasn't so open. OK, by 1965 I was a mess of
nerves, then his step brother came around. I didn't want him around without
my husband as it didn't look right but he shouted me down, saying it would
make his stepdad angry. So I sit there nervous and silent as his step brother
came night after night. My husband worked nights. My shrink, yes
I ended up there, told me if I didn't get away from my husband I would
be lost forever. Back in the 60s they didn't have a name for panic,
so I thought I was going crazy.
I bet you know, I ran off
with his step brother, my only way out. I couldn't work with my panic
and support myself and son. Well the law back then was jail for adultery
and loss of your children, he used that law on me, I had to
go back, he now had what he wanted, something real to torture me with.
So my complete downfull had come. I was his prisoner,I could have told
my dad how he treated me but I didn't want him to go to prison. He would
have killed him, I couldn't go home as my mom felt once you left stay away.
My husband was bad to me but in secret as he feared my father. But in 1966
my father died of a heart attack. Now I was truly at his mercy.But I tried
to get well so hard, I almost made it. I started looking for a job when
my son went to school. My husband found out about it and the
barrage of insults and threats of pain came faster and faster, and I got
pregnant again. No out for me. By the time my child was born I was
so sick from him I couldn't hardly take care of my baby. His drunkeness
became a norm rather than a rareity. He would come home scream filth
about me in front of my kids. making voilent sexual gestures. Then drag
me off to rape me, rape it was as he cussed me the whole time.
I made another effort to
get away, by trying so hard to get well and work. But as before another
baby was on its way. Then my brother died, I went way down in sorrow.
He was not my protector as he was not a strong person as my dad had been.
He was my friend, dead at 41 from his heart. The hellish years between
1975 and 1989, are a blurr of pain and hurt. Then my mom died. my sister
went on dialysis, then got gangreene. Her leg was cut off, then she too
died. All the time this drunk harrassing me. Never had I known peace, nor
even freedom from fear since I married him.
But I tried again to get
myself together and get a job, even though by then i was 56 years old.
My daughter had xome home finally from a marriage somewhat like mine.
We both were trying to build a peaceful life when her youngest son disclosed
he had been molested by his dad, then the older son told that his dad had
been molesting him since he was three. She reported it to the CPS, (her
husband came from a very well off family,( remember money talks) so the
CPS took the boys and put them in a home for 9 months until they said they
lied, then gave them to the father. Now I sit in the tatters of my life
unable to go out the door from my fears, with my tormentor here retired
to make each day every minute, a living hell. The only freedom from him
will now come with one of us being dead. There is no out for me other than
death."
Elona,
Lebanon, , USA, 07/Jan/00, [Homepage] |
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